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Asian Toilets... gross and !!!
Luxurious, Decadent, and [I hesitate to admit] Addictive!
My experience with Asian toilets runs the gamut from really privitive to unusually modern.
I wrote the content for this page between 2006 and 2012... during several trips to Thailand.
I hope you enjoy it!
During those years, I was cruelly subjected to that most dreaded of scatological phenomena… THE ASIAN TOILET!
I realize that there are many who consider such a topic to be rude, crude and socially undesirable.
Gosh, I am so sorry.
However, I have a gentle suggestion, dear reader,
if you are one such,
perhaps you should stop reading.
NOTE: All links on this page open in a new window. Close the window to return here.
An Asian toilet that is really primitive...
My WC adventures, in 2006, went from the sublime to the ridiculous, as I toured into more and more remote areas.
The "sublime" experience is further down this page... the LooLoo bidet toilet.
I was about one week into my Thai holiday, before I had my first visit to a REAL ASIAN TOILET... two footrests and a hole... which was the total facility in a subsistence farm that was the overnight stop for a delightful 2 day Thai mountain trek I took.
That trek pretty well ruined my knees for the next decade plus.
The Asian toilet in last place...
A really filthy, disgusting and off-putting example of a squat toilet!
For those of you whose adventures have precluded the use of an Asian toilet, I should like to give you a detailed
Standard Operating Procedure
for using such a facility...
(provided with impeccable tastefulness).
Since my daughter was the first one to suggest the following,
I believe she should be recognized as having
to the ideas
- Step one: duck low enough so you don't smack the top of your head on the abysmally low door opening.
- Step two: don't move until your eyes adjust to the gloom.
- Step three: defocus your eyes, 'cuz you ain't going to like the decor. Locate all critical components of the room, including spider webs, questionable "items" on the floor, etc.
- Step four: drop your shorts/pants/whatever.
- Step five: drop your underwear.
- Step six: remove one leg of each (SAME LEG... YOU FOOL!) and hold onto all parts of shorts/underwear, keeping clothing off the floor/ground.
- Step seven: straddle toilet and assume a hunker down position. NOTE: you may wish to do quadriceps exercises for several months prior to this.
- At this juncture (step 7), during my first experience, I discovered an acronym that will stand all users of primitive AT in good stead; namely… DLDDI, which stands for “Don’t Look Down. Don’t Inhale.”
- Step eight; carry on
- Step nine: curse because you forgot to get toilet paper ready, since that should have been part of the process prior to step 1. However, if you DID remember, use, then discard in the handy-dandy container nearby... NOT IN THE TOILET. Another delightful addition to the total ambience of an AT.
- Step ten: reverse step seven
- Step eleven: reverse steps six, five and four
- Step twelve: part of the "decor" is a container of water with a dipper... fill the dipper with the water and pour down the toilet to flush. NOTE: stand back a bit whilst doing this
- Step thirteen: remove yourself from the toilet area. If you're REALLY fortunate, there will be water and soap nearby. If not, (or as well) use an alcohol-based antibacterial "wash" in a pump container, that works wonders in removing disgusting germs etc. Of course, you should really think about purchasing this BEFORE you start your trip.
- Step fourteen: consider the benefits of constipation while in parts of the world that use Asian Toilets.
- Step fifteen: I'm considering petitioning for the inclusion of Thomas Crapper in the ranks of Saints.
If you relate to this idea, make your thoughts known in the Contact Form, right hand column.
I realize that this information may be considered as derogatory to the toilets of SE Asia.
There are similar primitive outhouses in our part of the world, two of which were immortalized in the following limerick.
There once was a fellow named Clyde
Who fell in an outhouse and died.
Similarly his brother
Who fell in another,
And now they’re interred side by side.
p.s. If you don't "get it" [the joke in the Limerick, I mean] then use the form in the right column and ask me for an explanation.
p.s. If you don't "get it" [the joke in the Limerick, I mean] then use the form at the bottom of this page, and ask me for an explanation.
A modern squat toilet that is much easier to use, unless you fear heights!
The SOP for this is similar to the above.
Here's an Asian toilet design, Thailand, that really impresses me... positively impresses me, I mean.
Behold the hand-held bidet...
I know, I know, it looks like a dish rinse mechanism on a kitchen sink, but it's substantially more robust!
More about the last three in the FOOD section!
A hand-held bidet
[referred to as a "bum gun" by the politically-correct-challenged!]
is attached to just about ALL the Thai toilets I have visited.
Well, the Thai toilets that are actually plumbing-endowed.
However, in an effort to get to the bottom of this matter, let me be more specific about the REAL function of that device.
It is used instead of toilet paper!
Clever huh? Just think:
- Untold thousands of acres of trees saved because toilet-paper is no longer needed.
- Far cleaner a*s* - *o*e*.
- Municipalities can reduce sewage treatment costs.
- NO MORE ANNOYING LITTLE BEARS ON TV ADS.
- No more skid marks on (y)our tidy whities.
- And you dry off, in the Thai climate, very quickly.
… OK, you get this idea
More about the toilet-paper usage idea...
Seriously, … in Thailand (and
Central and South America) toilet paper can NOT be flushed down a toilet… the
sewer pipes are too small to handle the “load”.
is a little basket with an inserted plastic baggy for a TP depository.
two of the larger hotels I ’ve been in have
plumbing that is OK, but most places do not.
So this hand-held
bidet is a way around the rather ghastly TP disposal mode.
An adequate hydrostatic
head is required
for full efficacy and functionality, however.
My engineering buddies can
correct me on the scientific terminology in the previous sentence. NOT that I
will acknowledge any gratuitous corrections or smug interjections. Use the Contact Form in the right-hand column.
I am inspired toward poetry creation as I write this... although the Limerick is not original with me.
HOWEVER, the following HAIKU is original, and explains why hydro-static pressure needs to be at a certain level when one is using a hand-held bidet.
A HAIKU ABOUT HYDROSTATIC PRESSURE
No water pressure?
Then the bidet won’t remove
That there poop worth shit.
p.s. I warned you at the start that this might get rude and crude... so don't complain now.
p.p.s. Hand held bidets were so amazing for me, that I purchased one for my toilet in Canada.
And now... the Grande Finale to the page on
Asian Toilet stuff!
Announcing the LooLoo Bidet Toilet!
THAT particular example of engineering genius is produced in S. Korea. The following link will provide more info for those of you that have waaaaaaaay too much time on your hands
In 2006, I had a 24-hour stopover, between flights, in Seoul, where I was put up in a delightful modern hotel, with the most atrocious food that I ate on the whole trip… but that is another story.
Here, I had my first encounter with an Asian Toilet.
But what a toilet.
It was the usual (usual for Westerners) sit-on model, but with significant differences. First, it was named the LOOLOO and it was, indeed, a lulu.
It had a series of buttons that
- warmed the seat
- gave a massage
- squirted a jet of water that gave a “front cleansing”
- squirted a jet of water that gave a “back cleansing”
- heated the water used for numbers 3 and 4, above
- air dried (with variable air temp control)
As old Will said, and I likely paraphrase slightly, "the better part of valour is discretion".
I modified the normal approach to a front cleansing. I stood to the side of the toilet and pressed the front cleansing button. A long, upward curving, stainless steel tube glided forward, stopped, then squirted a blast of water upward, which anatomically made sense. However, given the absence of a body on the seat, the jet of water proved to be an excellent ceiling tile power washer.
I was less chicken with the remainder of the buttons.
The back cleansing (via a gentle stream of pleasantly warm water) plus the air dry, plus a massage was quite... impressive!
I shall, in the interests of decorum and decency, not go into more detail about my experiences with LOOLOO.
I'm less than impressed with the interior color. However, I have subtle ways of displaying my displeasure.
For those who are baffled by the TV remote, the LooLoo controller could prove daunting.
back to the top
AMAZON has several bidet toilet seats for sale.
Sad to say, I cannot find a vendor, in N. America, that handles the LooLoo.
That's pretty well the last of my fundamental research on Asian toilets.
Except a "curiosity" I have about the MEN and WOMEN signs for Asian Toilets...
Have you ever seen anything weirder than these two?
p.s. Once again, feel free to comment, using the form in the right column.